A deep sense of failure

I feel a deep sense of failure. I feel a sense of desolation and emptiness, of nothingness. I feel a fool a life, a dreamer who tried in spurts with energy focus and genuine interest and keenness. I look at my folder, old files on the PC and see downloads, and emails and pictures of trying. I try, I am a  person who tries until I need to lie down for days or hours who cares. OMG my history so disappoints me. My present so saddens me, my future so empty and alone and incomplete so full of challenges and humps.
Did I run to freedom to fail. Did I struggle through bureaucracy and difference to fall into bureaucracy and loss. I am not one of the inspirational migrant who triumphs. I am not one of those sad little lesbian girls who finds community and belonging, I am not one of those disney loving children who finds friends, children, wives, love.
I am a fat middle aged black single lesbian woman, scarred and shamed but loud and tactless? I tried jogging, capoeira, swimming, sparring, yoga, tai chi, gym, personal trainers, rowing. I joined groups, and clubs and societies and after work groups, and unions and committees. And nothing. Today I walk away from my mother, sitting on my couch left over from work and listen to her talk about the electricity in her house being cut out and how all her children here and the photo shoot that will make her birthday which she travelled for.
I feel nothing, I am not available to make things better or be upbeat. I would like spliff, don't have one like a sixteen year old my mum is here. I suppose I am better without it. My brain is heavy but awake, my stomach does not yearn to be filled. Weed relaxes my stomach muscles. It makes feel like there is more space then there is. I wake up full, stomach bloated, hard hurting. Sometimes I eat so much my mouth vomits the cooked food back to its uncooked nature. Does that make sense?
I am writing and trying to banish awareness. I want to just say what I feel and not think about what it is, how it sounds, if anyone one will read it or reach out.
I feel less full of down, negative feeling. I can feel the gas of not caring making my chest lighter.