Neurosis about a night out

I'm listening to an audiobook called disobedience. I saw the movie this week now I have the patience to listen to it. Before I saw the movie it all seemed to be about men men men. Now I know what I am looking for, I have the map, I can forward and skip. Although I haven't for a while. But will. Its the same with the fanfiction lesbian stories. I don't want to hear about other people just the characters I am interested in. 
I am on a journey, a journey about what it means to a be a woman. I am not a feminist, but then who knows what a feminist is. But in the spectrum of feminism, that I believe I more a feminist than not. I wonder if I was not gay and not trying to identify my gayness if I would be less feminist. 
The book has passages of the Torah, it's about an orthodox Jewish woman who returns home when her father the rabbi dies. Left when her father found her with her friend. She returns and finds her friend married to her cousin, her fathers' chosen one. Watching the film I was able to care about the husband. I didn't want to when I first heard the book. The husband struggles with feelings of not being good enough to be the chosen one. What got me was the honesty between the husband and his wife, the heroine's former lover. In the movie, although all three hugged. They all separated in the end. To live their separate lives. I wonder at that. I wonder at the fullness of love and how it's not enough. I wonder of the loneliness of all three. 
Would I be lonely if I was in an arranged marriage? That's past now. 
I am ovulating but I didn't order the sperm on time. By the time I had snapped out of my mood it was too late. I called but no one picked up. I still ordered the sperm. I know very well ovulation is 48 hours, it will be too late when the sperm comes. Monday is a holiday in the UK so. I don't know. 
It's Ramadan I am not fasting, I am drinking red wine. To be fair I could use illness as a reason to not fast. But I am not fasting because my spirit is angry. Maybe lost, unfulfilled. But I am not trying this year. I am not going to try to be a good Muslim. I am going to not do that.
Obviously, there is guilt. 
What I want from tomorrow, sex. I don't want tension and stress. But the problem with sex for me is I want a relationship. The whole thing is just stressful. I am starting to feel like those guys who can't find women to have sex with them then they go about shooting people. 
What do I want from tomorrow, I want not to feel like an outsider. Not to feel forced conversations and smiling. Not to do anything stupid. I have decided to join the mailing list. That should get scheduling of gay activities out of my hands. 
We drink too much when we go out, we push ourselves out of balance. We chase good feelings, we smoke, talk loudly, hoarse throats and bad breath. We are not natural. The music is too loud, thumping beats, repeating. The toilets are long queues of sweaty flesh, wet floors and missing toilet paper as the night goes on. I feel old. 
So the plan is, listen to music - the music is usually bad, stick to a drink I don't like and try and be open and nonjudgemental. Don't judge the other revelers having fun. Don't be dismissive.
I watched Serena Williams show. Her issues with her body. I get that. Willow Smith hated her body as well. So we all hate our bodies. I was looking at old pictures on facebook I had a better body, but I was still single and miserable. I think it's me. I am going to have to look into someone's eyes get trapped in a conversation I can't get out of. Or spend all night alone in a dark corner until I am sufficiently drunk enough to keep dancing like I am being chased by demons to music that is not to my taste. 
It's like going to the library, anxious and stressful. 
Anyway, with yoga first in the morning, hopefully, study, hopefully, evening yoga then go to an event with a sense of calm or closer oneness to me. 
What am I looking for when I go there. I need to remember to appreciate a room full of women similar to me in their queerness. Yes, they are mostly young people who can't relate to the sense of shame I feel. I will try not feel teary at their joy and youthfulness. It's a good thing. That's what I need to remember when I am thinking drinking and drugs and the lack of sex. I am here to be around people similar to an aspect of me, people who are invisible to me in my daily life. People who would be shunned like me if they were any other latitude of the planet. 
I know where the sadness comes from. It comes from the pain of being around so many like me but who are not like me. We don't automatically accept and understand each other. or I don't automatically and accept them. I focus on the differences, not the similarities. 
That is what I will do tomorrow. I will look for the similarities between me and all the people I meet at the ​lesbian event. I hope I remember. I pray I am kind to myself when I forget