app dating 0.001
So the pastor wants me to pray the gay away. I am thinking this while I am getting ready for a date. OK CUPID here we go! We will pray the gay away tomorrow. Tonight we need to look good.
Something sexy but not obvious. What are my best features? My eyes? Check, no glasses then contacts. Natural colour. I have a nice butt but I need to breathe. Mmm hmm something stretchy?
Lipstick? I hate lipstick, you have always got to reapply and stains your teeth. But my lips are gorgeous, nice soft and luscious. Until I frown or scowl.
Remember to not to scowl.
Why am I going out? It’s raining. I know it’s been a while but honestly my bed is calling me back this Saturday night.
Am I being a coward? Dating is so awkward! I just feel like showing all my bad sides upfront. Break up before it even begins.
We are at dinner, I feel like saying. I fart in bed do you? Yep that is romantic.
What was she saying? She is gorgeous, dark eyes, gorgeous hands, those fingers. I take her hand in mine over the dishes and stroke it.
Yes I say, nodding and smiling. I can’t remember what she was talking about. Oh yes her work? She is fashion or media or sales? I can see her in sales, she could sell anything.
Does she find me attractive I wonder? Do I find her attractive? Is this just a rebound thing on her part?
She has been talking about her ex for ages. Her ex has gone back to Spain. Yes I have been to Spain. Well if Barcelona is Spain. I am pretty sure there is more to Spain than Barcelona.
I like French girl’s I say. Such a weird thing to say. The timing is wrong. I am out practice. I hate dating.
For one she is not French and she is not a girl. I should have said French women are especially French?
Why am I thinking about French women on my date? This is not going to end well.
Would you like some more drink I ask? Smooth, alcohol, classic.
No she has an early meeting tomorrow.
Is this where I say would you like some desert or is she signalling she has had enough?
OK cupid here we lose?
I look into her eyes and smile. I realise this is the first time I am actually looking at her. At her. My date.
She is beautiful. I smile and she smiles back. Would you like to go for a walk? It’s spring in London. London is beautiful in spring.
Oh uh she is wearing heels.
Heels! Sexy impractical heels.
Why am I trying so hard? No! I missed what she said again.
I smile at her.
We walk out of the restaurant and I wait for her to make move. She smiles at me. Air kiss and she’s gone.
Not OK Cupid!
I am stuck in this boring meeting, what are talking about? Not Brexit. I can tell because everyone is falling asleep.
New legislation about what? Data protection? Why am I here?
I look out the window.
Is that my OK cupid date? No I am just imagining things.
It is beyond me. If I spent as much time as I am now paying attention during the date I could possibly have got another date or kept the date going longer.
I need to delete the app. Or maybe I should create another profile with a sexier picture? Or should I go for nerdy?
I am smiling and nodding my head. I must seem very engaged because the speaker to looking right at me.
Mmm, she gorgeous. What is she fifty? Sixty? I need to stop staring at her lips.
Do not look down I tell myself failing. I feel my eyes looking down.
She is definitely not French but goodness is my heart beating loudly.
Is it obvious to everyone else?
Yes the compliance deadline is in May we need project teams.
I have zoned off again. I wonder if she is married. I am staring at her fingers.
I need to stop.
20 mins break. Fantastic.
I need some air.
I look at my phone. Nothing on app. Disappointing.
I go back in to the meeting room. It empty except for the … what should I call her leader?
Good meeting I say,
She responds, regular chit chat.
Nice voice I think. How do I get her to tell me if she is single?
Really? I am a HR meeting waiting to happen.
That ends my romantic thoughts.
I look at my phone again. I wonder if should hire someone to do my profile.
No! My new year’s resolution is it be real.
Real is overrated.
Ooh! Tinder match!
How tall is she?
Oh no someone is in the office. Do I care?
I see his mouth moving. He is scowling. It must be serious I should tune in.
My mind is off on the Tinder. Date next week?
She has never been with a woman. Alarm bells ringing
She probably has a boyfriend.
“I am not biased again bi”, “I am not biased against bi ”
That is my mantra for this date.
See the person not the situation? I need to stop reading self-help books.
What! She has come with a friend?
That is so weird.
Yes I get internet dating is sketchy but really?
Alright, this is going straight to Friendsville.
Oh no I don’t mind I say. Of course, your friend can stay for a bit. Yes I understand.
Tell you about myself?
Oh yeah I am almost forty this year? Yeah much older than you, twenty-three? Great.
I am pretty sure my age was on my profile.
She probably just swiped like I did.
Something about swiping, it’s like sorting out playing cards. Queen of hearts, yes, Queen of spade – swipe right, King of clubs swipe left, Jack of whatever – maybe? Ok swipe right.
Also, why am I getting dudes?
I need to pay attention, she is saying something in earnest.
Should we order?
You know what I am going to do next time. I am going to make a list of restaurant I would like to visit.
Yeah so if the dates go south, I can at least enjoy the food.
I really need to pay attention. I do like short women and this one is feisty.
Too feisty?
Thinking about list. The next date I am memorising a list of questions. The questions is not the problem as much as my answers.
It is called small talk and I am crap at it.
What is my ideal date? Someone who is crap at small talk.
She is not smiling.
Tinder Explosion. This date is done.
Why do I even try? I ask my friend. We are in the bar, her favourite haunt, Vauxhall and vaudeville?
Not really my thing. But things have not been working.
She seems happy, she is flirting with the lady whose girlfriend is psycho. I can seem drama tonight.
I give her a hug. I am going home.
She calls me a wimp. Yes I am I say. Loud and Proud. I am a wimp.
The only drama I like is the one that ends with me smiling surrounded by delicious woman love.
Not second hand smoke.
Oh no! My ex is at the door with her new girlfriend. What’s her name again?
Why am I pretending I don’t know her name? I know everything about her.
I torture myself insta-stalking. Move on
I look at my phone.
I need to take this app dating more seriously.
Ah French women are so delicious.
Something sexy but not obvious. What are my best features? My eyes? Check, no glasses then contacts. Natural colour. I have a nice butt but I need to breathe. Mmm hmm something stretchy?
Lipstick? I hate lipstick, you have always got to reapply and stains your teeth. But my lips are gorgeous, nice soft and luscious. Until I frown or scowl.
Remember to not to scowl.
Why am I going out? It’s raining. I know it’s been a while but honestly my bed is calling me back this Saturday night.
Am I being a coward? Dating is so awkward! I just feel like showing all my bad sides upfront. Break up before it even begins.
We are at dinner, I feel like saying. I fart in bed do you? Yep that is romantic.
What was she saying? She is gorgeous, dark eyes, gorgeous hands, those fingers. I take her hand in mine over the dishes and stroke it.
Yes I say, nodding and smiling. I can’t remember what she was talking about. Oh yes her work? She is fashion or media or sales? I can see her in sales, she could sell anything.
Does she find me attractive I wonder? Do I find her attractive? Is this just a rebound thing on her part?
She has been talking about her ex for ages. Her ex has gone back to Spain. Yes I have been to Spain. Well if Barcelona is Spain. I am pretty sure there is more to Spain than Barcelona.
I like French girl’s I say. Such a weird thing to say. The timing is wrong. I am out practice. I hate dating.
For one she is not French and she is not a girl. I should have said French women are especially French?
Why am I thinking about French women on my date? This is not going to end well.
Would you like some more drink I ask? Smooth, alcohol, classic.
No she has an early meeting tomorrow.
Is this where I say would you like some desert or is she signalling she has had enough?
OK cupid here we lose?
I look into her eyes and smile. I realise this is the first time I am actually looking at her. At her. My date.
She is beautiful. I smile and she smiles back. Would you like to go for a walk? It’s spring in London. London is beautiful in spring.
Oh uh she is wearing heels.
Heels! Sexy impractical heels.
Why am I trying so hard? No! I missed what she said again.
I smile at her.
We walk out of the restaurant and I wait for her to make move. She smiles at me. Air kiss and she’s gone.
Not OK Cupid!
I am stuck in this boring meeting, what are talking about? Not Brexit. I can tell because everyone is falling asleep.
New legislation about what? Data protection? Why am I here?
I look out the window.
Is that my OK cupid date? No I am just imagining things.
It is beyond me. If I spent as much time as I am now paying attention during the date I could possibly have got another date or kept the date going longer.
I need to delete the app. Or maybe I should create another profile with a sexier picture? Or should I go for nerdy?
I am smiling and nodding my head. I must seem very engaged because the speaker to looking right at me.
Mmm, she gorgeous. What is she fifty? Sixty? I need to stop staring at her lips.
Do not look down I tell myself failing. I feel my eyes looking down.
She is definitely not French but goodness is my heart beating loudly.
Is it obvious to everyone else?
Yes the compliance deadline is in May we need project teams.
I have zoned off again. I wonder if she is married. I am staring at her fingers.
I need to stop.
20 mins break. Fantastic.
I need some air.
I look at my phone. Nothing on app. Disappointing.
I go back in to the meeting room. It empty except for the … what should I call her leader?
Good meeting I say,
She responds, regular chit chat.
Nice voice I think. How do I get her to tell me if she is single?
Really? I am a HR meeting waiting to happen.
That ends my romantic thoughts.
I look at my phone again. I wonder if should hire someone to do my profile.
No! My new year’s resolution is it be real.
Real is overrated.
Ooh! Tinder match!
How tall is she?
Oh no someone is in the office. Do I care?
I see his mouth moving. He is scowling. It must be serious I should tune in.
My mind is off on the Tinder. Date next week?
She has never been with a woman. Alarm bells ringing
She probably has a boyfriend.
“I am not biased again bi”, “I am not biased against bi ”
That is my mantra for this date.
See the person not the situation? I need to stop reading self-help books.
What! She has come with a friend?
That is so weird.
Yes I get internet dating is sketchy but really?
Alright, this is going straight to Friendsville.
Oh no I don’t mind I say. Of course, your friend can stay for a bit. Yes I understand.
Tell you about myself?
Oh yeah I am almost forty this year? Yeah much older than you, twenty-three? Great.
I am pretty sure my age was on my profile.
She probably just swiped like I did.
Something about swiping, it’s like sorting out playing cards. Queen of hearts, yes, Queen of spade – swipe right, King of clubs swipe left, Jack of whatever – maybe? Ok swipe right.
Also, why am I getting dudes?
I need to pay attention, she is saying something in earnest.
Should we order?
You know what I am going to do next time. I am going to make a list of restaurant I would like to visit.
Yeah so if the dates go south, I can at least enjoy the food.
I really need to pay attention. I do like short women and this one is feisty.
Too feisty?
Thinking about list. The next date I am memorising a list of questions. The questions is not the problem as much as my answers.
It is called small talk and I am crap at it.
What is my ideal date? Someone who is crap at small talk.
She is not smiling.
Tinder Explosion. This date is done.
Why do I even try? I ask my friend. We are in the bar, her favourite haunt, Vauxhall and vaudeville?
Not really my thing. But things have not been working.
She seems happy, she is flirting with the lady whose girlfriend is psycho. I can seem drama tonight.
I give her a hug. I am going home.
She calls me a wimp. Yes I am I say. Loud and Proud. I am a wimp.
The only drama I like is the one that ends with me smiling surrounded by delicious woman love.
Not second hand smoke.
Oh no! My ex is at the door with her new girlfriend. What’s her name again?
Why am I pretending I don’t know her name? I know everything about her.
I torture myself insta-stalking. Move on
I look at my phone.
I need to take this app dating more seriously.
Ah French women are so delicious.
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