Good bye my friend

My Lord God

My Lord God

My Lord God

Bring clarity to my path

Bring understanding to my sadness

Bring character to my selfishness

Protect my kindness from abuse

Give me the means to values this life of mine

Teach me mercy and forgiveness so I may accept myself

No love is greater than you

No fear of abandonment should be greater than the thought that you have left me to my own devices

The test I put on others that they fail woefully

The mistrust and suspicion, jealousy and envy consumes me

Only in sex do I trust for a while

My hugs feel lukewarm doubts stains every non innocent contact

I am lost again

The euphoric cloud evaporates so quickly

I am sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad

I am sad

She has left me in spirit and body long time ago

When the first signs of illness took her she left me

Through the sores and retching, fever and pain she left

Till my touch became her pain and my mouth became the receptacle of her vomit

She left me as I clung to any inch of her skin she left me

I held tight till she swung her arm at me unconscious I had to let her go

With her might a shove to burnt me into the cold world of my doubt she left me

Do not give up on me I beg her in my dreams in this world without words I beg her

In reality she sees “hali” moodiness, rudeness, aggression towards her and insults.

How can you not see how much I crave you

And in her smile I see many have said as much to her

More has she had to give up

My life is littered with goodbyes she tells me

My life is littered with disappoint, sadness and turn coats from people who swore love to me but did not stand by me

Will you stand by me? She asks

And I say, yes, yes, yes I will

I do not believe so, after all who am I when the apostles denied Christ

I will deny you too

Just as you deny me in my eyes

Just as you turn away from sadness

Turn away from touch

Turn away from the heat of my body

Just as you refuse to see me

Refuse to see me

Your reasons are worthy, your path, your life, your children, your pain

What am I but another scaffold, present good, absent “oh well”.

God I would slit me two wrists today but my reasons would be wrong

Your stories drench my every pore. I see my actions and thoughts in terms of your history and tales.

I want you to go

Go away from me

Let me feel nothing – let me start to forget

Let me begin to tell myself that what we have is a one way street

That we met in a vulnerable state and we took what we could from each other.

But unlike me, your caravan was loaded and I was standing by the wayside minding my own business.

I wish you could have loved me with an unending passion

I wish I could have found trust and safety and patience in your arms

I wish your life wasn’t already full to bursting

I wish I hadn’t seen you. That I had run away like my instincts screamed.

Do not be in the house with her. Do not listen to her words. Do not have compassion for her. Do not yearn for her hugs. Do not look at her body, her smile, her eyes, her lips, her hips, her waist, her legs, her fingers, her breasts, her words, her voice, her children, her pain, her success, her strength, her words, the language she speaks, her laugh, her fight, her tears, her speech.

Every bit of her another human being I absorbed, I revelled in, I embraced, I lived.

For days in October and a bit of November my paradise came to that room.

For days for the rest of my life – Days too long

I look forward to the days of crying

Of laments and why Gods

Of hatred and anger

Of confusion and misunderstandings

Of saying and acting in ways I do not mean

I look forward to the destruction of this so special treasured inspiring friendship.

What a waste I could not turn it around.

I go back to myself – inwards, to laughter that will never reach my eyes

Good bye my friend