self repeating

Self repeating patterns  break this heat my desire your breast freeze to find a wart distasteful dose not repulsive enough for me so slip and wish and think and wish and dream will there be for me a buffet of you for me we speak certain words the same though I know see only a certain you is real.

What does it feel to be desired by a woman to want to be desired by this woman. What does it feel like not to suppress refuse to see to hold on tight blinkered and blind to not blurt out as if tying a balloon quick I want a wife - wives - I want a choice of them but I don't know how - still

Find me a woman I say to you this morning; find me a woman like you my cells say to the universe. You are the first I come out to from my nostalgia infused past of pre and teenage years. I have forgotten denied all loss, pain, confusion, stress. I have forgotten denied the people I crave for and those I wish for comfort and desire in their arms, their eyes. I have forgotten the sick feeling of hurling myself at the yous of women. I have forgotten the contempt and discomfort I incite in others and myself. I have forgotten many things with age and growth force.

I look at your big black face, double chin, black spore nose and say to myself, I will not have sex with you – you haven’t offered

It is a strange position to chase a woman when you are a woman chased by men; it does not make me kinder I am aware of my actions.  Kindness is torturous and misleading to a yearning soul but where does friendship fit in.

I am alone on a seesaw  

Force insanity control I am a god who are you do not grovel distant I am no slave I am am I not I slave for desire I slave for dreams I slave for wanting a unit my unit the right unit how I envy the luck of most men I am of age I find a wife I have kids and look forward to grand kids I am of an age I prefer not to be blind drunk listening to dumb music desperate for a fuck I fear a lot of things I am deaf blind and belligerent to most. 

Dare I wish you will find her for me, I will find her(s) in this lifetime meanwhile I await the judgement of Fitzjohn and arm myself against amorous intentions quickly denied. 

It is not that I cannot throw caution to wind

It is not that I am not aware that I am a pressure cooker waiting to explode with lust love licks mouth sores

The lies you tell if there was a chance I would jump in the high street naked