If I can be presumed straight why do I crumble when I presume you lesbian
when depression hits you
hits you
it hits you with alcohol's permission
permissive
your whole mind goes there
go there
without your brains permission
acknowledgment
and you are there again seeing every
event,
conversation,
non incident with a microscope
Did I really ask a person
if her friend was trans
if she was gay
beer
beer, cocktails and more beer shield me
The conversations we have when we are drunk
that my mind could be as blase as this statement
A few hours ago sitting in the conference I imagined slitting my own wrists
a self fulfilling prophecy my mind creates the perfect reason
I looked at a razor and starred at my arms without marks
smooth unblemished skin and think cut cut it
thankfully no razor only a blunt kitchen knife
I am embarrassed see all at conference tomorrow
To be embarrassed is more than enough a reason to kill myself if I thought I meant more than a curiosity
an alcohol laced event
what thoughts are allowed to roam my mind with alcohol
like you down glass after glass to dance
I down that too and more
I consume alcohol and anything I can find to dance and hate and express all awkwardness that leads to no conclusion except undefined items to be buried in the fat of my cells
What triggered you
You this event, my period?
My bleeding cycle proof that I may still hold a child in my womb for today
And the days before and the days beyond?
what triggers you?
My chauvinist self
In chauvinism, can I find the explanation to my mental state?
I am chauvinist against my gender, my sex, my desires.
If I can be presumed straight why do I crumble when I presume you lesbian
And I do
All women are lesbian to me
All male are homosexual male to me
at one fifty seven am on the 19th of June
The world is same sex to me
So let the only embarrassment to me be today
that you have a ring I missed
or I am too fat or ugly or black for you today
amen!
Really what is this all about but a realization that my life has no meaning
cut cut but only if it ends
But it doesn't.
There is no atheist bliss for me
hits you
it hits you with alcohol's permission
permissive
your whole mind goes there
go there
without your brains permission
acknowledgment
and you are there again seeing every
event,
conversation,
non incident with a microscope
Did I really ask a person
if her friend was trans
if she was gay
beer
beer, cocktails and more beer shield me
The conversations we have when we are drunk
that my mind could be as blase as this statement
A few hours ago sitting in the conference I imagined slitting my own wrists
a self fulfilling prophecy my mind creates the perfect reason
I looked at a razor and starred at my arms without marks
smooth unblemished skin and think cut cut it
thankfully no razor only a blunt kitchen knife
I am embarrassed see all at conference tomorrow
To be embarrassed is more than enough a reason to kill myself if I thought I meant more than a curiosity
an alcohol laced event
what thoughts are allowed to roam my mind with alcohol
like you down glass after glass to dance
I down that too and more
I consume alcohol and anything I can find to dance and hate and express all awkwardness that leads to no conclusion except undefined items to be buried in the fat of my cells
What triggered you
You this event, my period?
My bleeding cycle proof that I may still hold a child in my womb for today
And the days before and the days beyond?
what triggers you?
My chauvinist self
In chauvinism, can I find the explanation to my mental state?
I am chauvinist against my gender, my sex, my desires.
If I can be presumed straight why do I crumble when I presume you lesbian
And I do
All women are lesbian to me
All male are homosexual male to me
at one fifty seven am on the 19th of June
The world is same sex to me
So let the only embarrassment to me be today
that you have a ring I missed
or I am too fat or ugly or black for you today
amen!
Really what is this all about but a realization that my life has no meaning
cut cut but only if it ends
But it doesn't.
There is no atheist bliss for me
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