The search

In a far away land where patriarchy is the norm and traditions of the forefathers are held in the highest esteem.

I am an anathema going to and fro from home to work with no partner, child or friend outside of work. The office gossips don’t even pretend to lower their voice, she is a queer one that one, her phone never rings, she never mentions anything personal to her, from outside she seems normal but you can never tell.

On this day, I went to the canteen, picked up a tray, paid for my meal and then I heard her voice. I couldn't make out what she was saying but I felt compelled to be around her. The closest table was crowded. I walked over and looked straight into the eyes of one of them young men and smiled may I sit next to you please? I said with the power that all women have and most men respond to.  He nervously made room for me with his mates winking and jostling.

I had the perfect view of the table ahead. Speak, speak again I said silently speak so I can find you. I couldn't tell which woman it was in the group of women and men all chatting and social. I could feel myself sink lower into depression totally oblivious to the young men around me trying to catch my attention.

I must have imagined it I thought. As the table dispersed I thought of walking over to the women in the group and demanding they say their names aloud so.... or maybe I should stalk them until I find her again.

Who are those people, I asked one of my particularly persistent suitors? He shrugged his shoulder and grunted. Typical! I got up and headed back to my desk and drab office. I must have imagined it. I must have.

It is not that there weren't places for people like me to find ourselves. There were in certain spaces and certain places of a friend of a friend of a friend’s. I wonder we met ourselves out of a necessity a hunger we cannot control. But I am arrogant I accept that now I feel I am better than the world and I deserve more than desperate sex in a drunken state with someone who has possibly shared the same sexual partners.

But tonight I am hungry it is quite possible the starvation of feeling a body just like mine on mine is making me hallucinate.

Weeks pass I have given up. I stopped rushing to the canteen first one there last one out. Waiting, watching. I understand insanity now.

My mum is picking me up for a naming ceremony. It is what we do on the 7^th day of a child’s birth. Where the father and the men pick the child’s name and slaughter an animal and the women are separate in the yard cooking outside on fire wood, singing songs and bringing gifts.

I really don’t want to go but what else is new. I pick up a dark large veil and get into the car. Mum is walking in front as we pass the gathering of men in the front of the house. I clumsily try to adjust my veil while holding the basket filled with food and treats. Then I hear her voice again. I stumbled almost falling.

I told you to adjust your veil in the car mum is gearing up to scold. I feel hot and cold all at once, it was her voice. Is she here, I am terrified. I look around furtively and catch the eye of some of the men. I must seem like such an innocent unbalanced in the presence of men.

I follow my mum in I am losing my mind. Paying my respects to the matriarchs I hear her voice again. I turn round in slow motion and there she is amidst gathered group of women admiring the baby. My heart drops and I faint.

Normally I would be embarrassed, it could not have been for a minute or two. My whole being is fighting for consciousness. I will not lose her again. I try to get up pushing helping hands away where is she? I catch my mum’s worried eyes.  I must seem mad but I don’t care, I hear someone whisper, attention seeker, who cares. Where is she?

Why don’t you go inside, a lie down for a bit someone suggested almost kindly? No, I am fine. Mum looks mortified. But I insist, go inside and sit for a bit.

Someone was asked to make hot sweet tea. I over hear some of mum’s friends tell her don’t worry she is probably light headed from not eating. I ignore the pity I think I hear in their voices. Calm down before you give people a reason to lock you up my inside voice says.

I allow myself to be pulled away. As we reached a corridor away from the mob I grabbed the lady’s arm. Where is she?  I asked

Where is who she smiles back at me, where is she the woman, she was with the baby. I know I sound crazy but there was a woman by the baby she was there and now she is not.

Shut up, shut up my head voice screams but I am past caring.

The lady looked me straight in the eyes and said, oh you mean Deja, Esau’s wife?

Deja? Is that her name? How do you know which woman I was talking about I said mistrusting the lady instantly.

She smiled.

TBC