Paroxysms of emotions
Madness going on. I was fine in the morning then exhausted in the evening by what? I hope its my period coming not just that I am losing myself in what I don't know yet. Crazy stuff, could be the red wine I've been having with dinner, it could be the messed up sleeping pattern the last few days. It could be cancelling fencing, it could be missing yoga. It could be just finding me still where I was yesterday and all the yesterdays past.
I saw a kid and a school van on my way to day. And the Somali driver encouraging him on with smiles and play. The little bundle excitedly walking towards him with his crooked right foot. The white van had something about community transport, from the window I could tell more than that there were two little ones in there one blond the other not.
And for a long moment it lifted, and I felt inspired. That’s what I want for mine, the chances and a place of their own to name safe. How do I bottle this feeling, so I can dose myself when I can't, don't want to try anymore.
I read the idiot on the tube to work, convoluted so and so but funny as well. The prince asks Mrs Yepanchin why are ashamed of your feelings. The good and the bad. Paroxysms of emotions etc. I have re-realised that I nag myself a lot. I probably would nag others but there is just me and King's whining. That noise tests me! Not my best self.
Anyway the kid on the way to school is meant to inspire me, to keep me going. Saw the voice last night and Ce-Lo said he liked strong women with guts. I have guts, I am a strong woman just need to get some direction, some support that I can accept, acknowledge.
I miss yoga, I know its cold and those changing rooms are claustrophobic and make me feel so aggressive! And the cold air on wet hair after the showers. And the waiting for bus in the cold. But the feeling afterwards, I miss yoga.
I got a bit weird with the teachers. The intensity and focusing on nothing else. I was going to work, but I didn't have the stress of it. I was hating on myself, despising others, trying to please who I don't know. And my hair always looked like a mad woman's though I pretended I didn't notice. It would be nice to go back. I spent a fortune I didn't have on the kits.
Dragging the bags to work and back, who am I afraid of disappointing? It's the patter, it gets to you. And when they go off course! It can be irritating. I just need a quite corner, with a decent view of the mirror. To drown everyone out and be in me.
But that's what I do anyway, drown everyone out mostly by avoiding them. Funny H seems to think the opposite. I don't think I will be babysitting on lunch hours. I need a break I am pretty sure I don't like her.
What2Do? I was going to work on dating this year, but I can't be bothered. What is the point of finding someone - if you can find someone- only for it not to last? Highly pessimistic this morning I geuss Moda can't beat pre period hormones.
I wonder
I saw a kid and a school van on my way to day. And the Somali driver encouraging him on with smiles and play. The little bundle excitedly walking towards him with his crooked right foot. The white van had something about community transport, from the window I could tell more than that there were two little ones in there one blond the other not.
And for a long moment it lifted, and I felt inspired. That’s what I want for mine, the chances and a place of their own to name safe. How do I bottle this feeling, so I can dose myself when I can't, don't want to try anymore.
I read the idiot on the tube to work, convoluted so and so but funny as well. The prince asks Mrs Yepanchin why are ashamed of your feelings. The good and the bad. Paroxysms of emotions etc. I have re-realised that I nag myself a lot. I probably would nag others but there is just me and King's whining. That noise tests me! Not my best self.
Anyway the kid on the way to school is meant to inspire me, to keep me going. Saw the voice last night and Ce-Lo said he liked strong women with guts. I have guts, I am a strong woman just need to get some direction, some support that I can accept, acknowledge.
I miss yoga, I know its cold and those changing rooms are claustrophobic and make me feel so aggressive! And the cold air on wet hair after the showers. And the waiting for bus in the cold. But the feeling afterwards, I miss yoga.
I got a bit weird with the teachers. The intensity and focusing on nothing else. I was going to work, but I didn't have the stress of it. I was hating on myself, despising others, trying to please who I don't know. And my hair always looked like a mad woman's though I pretended I didn't notice. It would be nice to go back. I spent a fortune I didn't have on the kits.
Dragging the bags to work and back, who am I afraid of disappointing? It's the patter, it gets to you. And when they go off course! It can be irritating. I just need a quite corner, with a decent view of the mirror. To drown everyone out and be in me.
But that's what I do anyway, drown everyone out mostly by avoiding them. Funny H seems to think the opposite. I don't think I will be babysitting on lunch hours. I need a break I am pretty sure I don't like her.
What2Do? I was going to work on dating this year, but I can't be bothered. What is the point of finding someone - if you can find someone- only for it not to last? Highly pessimistic this morning I geuss Moda can't beat pre period hormones.
I wonder
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