A lesbian fear

I continue to be paralysed by a lesbian fear,
In a place of safety I dare not look into your eyes
The words I speak are strange even to me
I seek refuge in being off my head
I see others they seem so brave
They hug and kiss and be
With all the awkwardness of life they connect
I have embraced the unattractiveness of a lack of confidence
In the world my voice is loud.
I am meek and desperate and i reek of it.
I cannot speak to you I am dumb
So I pretend to be blind and deaf as well
The days have become years and while I tarry a decade draws near
My nature has escaped I am all senses
I must answer my cravings, my nature possesses me
In this new year I yield
Without finesse or taste
With no discrimination I hasten
Like the game show deal or no deal I gamble
I bleed without pride
My mouth may not open but I will speak to you
My knees will tremble less
My eyes will look to yours
My heart unarmoured
I will be brave or at least pretend to be
My love