fencing post

Hi Kid,

I’m good! Saw Gavin last night at fencing, apparently he works there. Oh man! I reacted well, all smiles and genuine. I was going to walk out when a gorgeous young thing told me that Cornelius was at the bar.

So I went back in, we chatted. I didn’t give up much. I hope I didn’t anyway. So how do I feel?

Number one; he is a sociable snake. I envy him that. Sociable!

Number two; I have not been in a long term relationship since his cousin.

Number three; his cousin was my only long term relationship ever.

It is a fact that I have not had that intimate relationship (& I don’t mean sex) that 14 year olds have. I’ve seen a few couples at fencing, tai chi, yoga.

Funny I don’t regard the couples I see at work, or parties or clubs or even in their homes as couples. They seem fake or in a fake situation. Like they are playing a part in play, It could be just some form of latent jealousy.

I am sure I'm not the only one, still it is shit.

She doesn’t matter.

But how do people do it, how do they just form a connection with another person and not get consumed by judgement of the other.

How do they meet? What makes them see, approach and agree? I would probably just sneer at the answers.

It has to be done my way, my way which at this moment is producing zero results.

On the plus side I am noticing sexual tension more. I used to be completely oblivious, not the tension that I put out there but the tension from others. I guess it is something.

Like passing my exams everything takes so damn long and is so damn complicated. I am so damn difficult.

Anyway, called R back yesterday, pretended I didn’t know she ignored my call on Sunday. If I hadn’t seen G I would not have called. Didn’t mention seeing G. The call was all about her I didn’t feel like sharing. I get tired with her absolute opinions sometimes. But then I did ask her to always be frank with me.

Frank is the name of my mother’s father and brother. Frank I request for but cannot stand.

I am not going back to getting drunk and intoxicated to get around. No way. But I really need to stop judging people so much. Be that as it may it will be over my dead body before I get involved socially with G’s crowd again.

How many million people are there in London? Exactly, I am moving out and up hopefully before I turn 40!