Mildly Suicidal

Mildly Suicidal

Monday morning I am at work, obviously didn’t kill myself or try to.

Watched loads of movies with suicides though, Sleeping beauty, Country Strong, Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids should have topped herself. That would have been more realistic than getting back with her best friend and getting the guy.

She should have baked herself the most beautiful death cup cake. One bird, two stones, send her mother off to rehab for real, seriously messed up her friend’s wedding.

On that morbid thought, the lady behind the counter at the pharmacist asked me if I was taking any other medication. St John’s wort is hardly a drug. She gave me one of those looks and I played the part. No I said in a quiet voice. I am sure she’ll be thinking all sorts.

Well I haven’t topped myself yet. I am not a fan of pain or prolonged anything. Heck I feel this way because my life feels prolonged. Where is the end already?

It has occurred to me that I am being cowardly. I should care. I don’t. I do.

What am I depressed about today? Does it matter?

I spent all weekend in bed, big deal? My sister spends on all weekend and all weekday in bed. I wonder if she is depressed too. Eugh! I would rather not share my depressed state. It is special only to me! All mine! Only me in the whole wide world feels like this.

I bet if I could just finish both syllabi and pass both exams I would be ecstatic.  

I am on St John’s Wort & Ginseng & stuff to make my hair grow & stuff to make my skin glow.

The skin round my eyes show my age.

I’ve not been to Yoga since Monday last. That class scarred me. Went to Tai Chi though, did the dishes at Tai Chi. It bothers me that I did the cups. I won’t be doing that again. Lifting chairs and tables that's all I will contribute.

Didn’t walk the dogs poor things, barely went out with them. Is this how I am going to be with kids, just ignore them when I’m low? Or will motherhood bring out the best in me. No one really changes. Poor kids would live in squalor and dirt. Where I could have given them the world and myself also I give them a legacy of underachievement and bitterness.

I am half arsed, can’t not try and can’t try.  I raise myself, I fell myself. All in a breath, in an instant a thought.

That dumb bitch wants to know why I go to so many classes. I do French, Tai Chi, Yoga, work. I do them cause I must do something. I must find a way to move me from the mire that I am in to the height that is mine.

What is the option do nothing? Just lie there and slime. Sleeping and eating.

It doesn’t matter what I do or do not do I still feel bad, low, crap.

Do I must do.

My ambition is to be as full of wealth as I am full of depression.

The problem; I am just depressed. I did not have to study for it, revise for it. I did not have to try for it. I don’t consciously enjoy it. It gives me no sense of belonging or accomplishment. It is not a talent or a gift. It just is.

Success and wealthy on the other hand needs input, needs me to deliberately learn, apply. Requires, discipline, motivation, focus, it requires energy.

Hence Yoga, hence Tai Chi = people

Sometimes after a hot yoga class, in that confined changing room, with bodies and other people’s cultures around me I feel angry. I feel like I want to lash out. Back away give me space, leave me space.

 Sometimes I feel contempt. I feel contemptuous. Why can’t they all... What can’t they what? I don’t know?

I just feel

I say to myself do not speak to anyone today. Just get in and out. Other times I can’t help but answer or be polite.

People, something I am still working on. I do well with them except when I am like this, when I am like this and I can barely hold it together.

I am swirling in my own negativity, I should get up do some filing.

No caffeine, no alcohol, no nothing.

This too will pass unti it come comes again.

It comes comes again like the bailiff to your door

Like the bully smelling fear

Like a predator, you’re the prey

Pay the debtor

Run from the bully

And the Shark?, and my blood?

 It is here then it is gone, then back, gone, back, gone, then back again

In hour, in a day what made it lift, what brought it back?