♪ Happy Bday to me♪

I was born today 33 years ago, my mother cannot be trusted when it comes to the specifics. But I would like to think that I was a child of the night after excruciating prolonged labour and was loved at first sight.

Meanwhile whilst my father might have been feting his new bride. My mother was alone in a teaching hospital in Jos with the daughter of Father’s then good friend for company. She would become one of my earliest crushes. I think I was eleven at the time.

I’m sitting at work after my birthday party. We had a black forest gateau from patisserie Valerie, I had presents and a whole bunch of people I shameless made sing to me. All in all not bad at all, I gave my birthday mate her present a orchid plant. And there was even a baby present.

Babies... hmm, he was cute.

 Haven’t spoken to my mum in a while on purpose, she is the last person you want to talk to when you are feeling fragile.

Did I tell you I had a tigger mug!! I kind of made it happen. Apparently I am shameless when it come to my birthday. T double g r!

Socially I am so much better, I carried out a small talk without even noticing and I was at ease.

So many good things are happening. So many good things I am able to notice and appreciate.

I am in a much better place. I am stronger, less bitter, less desperate, less emotionally stunted.

I wonder if it is age or just the relentless exposure to situations at work.

Can you believe that I don’t miss classes? Not French, not Tai chi, still struggling with studying though.

I don’t feel the urge to go out and “have fun” – could be that nasty after taste of D’s party.

I wake up in the morning and do M’s challenges. I think about improving Yoga and maybe I am more accepting of the negative violent feelings i get.

I am a stronger, more rounded human being.

The sadness is still there lurking. It is a fog around my chest not cloying but present.

My hair, I look like a hot mess. I am tempted to give in perm it, get it done. I know I have said this before but I think last week I just got the breaking under control. My sis gave me her AVEDA hair remedy and it was amazing. I just started using infusium mixed with my normal leave in. Fingers crossed.

It’s not as important the length, but it is something I must achieve just because I am trying.

Like I will pass my exams in November even though I am still at the beginning of the syllabus, like will get apply for H’s job and get it because I will put the effort in.

I am scrimping like a squirrel and that does get me down. I have lived on £20 a week before but it is not what something I will allow myself to do.

I am investing heavily in my, the mental me, the physical me, the intellectual me. Regardless that it is my 33^rd year on this world I am laying my foundations for my beginning and it will be one I will enjoy and hate with equal passion.

I still have not been intimate for long time, years now and I will not under any circumstance sleep with a man, any man.

I will not under any circumstance sleep with any woman just because. They because I have no intention of just sticking to one, they will all have something that I admire or can respect. And they had better be good in bed and have loads of stamina because it has been a long, long while.

And I am ravenous.