Faith, Motherhood & Success: Making Peace with the Journey

 I am not God, but I trust in God. God is God. 

This Mantra I got from an evangelical catholic Bishop on YouTube Myspace of choice. As I read it now something feels missing. Again I am awake earlier than my alarm clock. Yesterday was stressful but it ended in a blessing. My life is a blessing even though it feels to me that...

 I should have achieved more. 

I can assure you it was not for want of trying but I have not yet been able to break through. The pattern of my success so far is happenstance. I tried hard for something and failed and then something comes along that fulfils something different in me and protects and gives me joy in a non linear way and I have something special, even though I mostly forget.

What makes me feel low? My low income, my inability to progress in my career, my inability to purchase a house or really afford to rent.

What gives me joy? My miracle child, that I have a place to live that is more than I could ever afford, that I have a non traditional influence at work, and a specific kind of autonomy that fulfils me. That I am able to afford for my child training and experiences I could only dream of as a child, that I can still just about carry my tall five year old. His curly head blocking my view and when we walk his length is almost more than a third of mine. 

That this child of mine is beautiful, intelligent, talk active, athletic, healthy and emotionally aware. And that I as a mother am able to care for him, raise him, guide him, feed and cloth him, and love him and he knows he is loved.

There is a confidence in him even though he is also shy, he is social all through he has no best friends. 

I did not go the route of trying to find groups and friends for him. I myself once culled the people I called friends in my twenties when I was searching. 

I want all friendships to be natural and easy and honest. I have spent almost half a century in this world and most if it with a significant other or best friends. I obviously want of my child a fuller better relationship life full of genuine people and a family that loves him and that he loves and loads of healthy happy well adjusted grandchildren and with mothers who will ensure my grand kids spend time with me.

My dreams are not particularly radical I used to dream bigger when I was younger but now I make do. 

with the essentials of life.

God is Good. 

From chatgpt

Faith, Motherhood & Success: Making Peace with the Journey

I am not God, but I trust in God. God is God.

This mantra, shared by an Evangelical Catholic bishop on YouTube—my space of choice—resonated with me. Yet, as I read it now, something feels missing. Perhaps it is the quiet gap between trusting and understanding, between faith and action.

Again, I am awake earlier than my alarm clock. Yesterday was stressful, but it ended in a blessing. My life itself is a blessing, even though, at times, I feel I should have achieved more. It’s not for lack of trying—I have worked hard, but I have yet to break through.

My success has never followed a straight path. I push toward something, only to fail, and then something unexpected emerges—a new opportunity, an unplanned joy, a different kind of fulfillment. It happens in a non-linear way, protecting and shaping me in ways I did not anticipate. In these moments, I find something special.

Still, there are days when I feel the weight of what I lack.

The Burden of Wanting More

What makes me feel low? My income, or rather, my lack of it. My inability to progress in my career, to buy a home, or even to comfortably afford rent. These are the markers of success that society tells us we need, and when they feel out of reach, it’s easy to feel as though I am falling behind.

But then, I shift my perspective.

The Blessings That Keep Me Grounded

What gives me joy? My miracle child. The fact that, despite financial limitations, we live in a home that is more than I could ever afford on paper. That, in my work, I have a unique influence—not in a traditional sense, but in a way that gives me autonomy and purpose.

I find joy in knowing that I can give my child experiences I could only dream of as a child. That I can still carry my tall five-year-old, his head blocking my view as we walk—his length nearly half of mine.

And, most of all, in knowing that he is thriving.

Motherhood & the Quiet Triumphs

This child of mine is beautiful, intelligent, talkative, athletic, and emotionally aware. He is confident, even in his shyness. He is social, even without a best friend.

I never forced friendships upon him, just as I no longer force them upon myself. In my twenties, I culled the people I called friends when I was searching for something more. Now, I want friendships that are natural, easy, and honest. I want that for my son, too—not a life of forced connections, but a life filled with people who genuinely belong.

A Vision for the Future

I have spent almost half a century in this world—most of it with either a significant other or a best friend by my side. Now, I want my child to have a fuller, richer relationship with the world—one filled with love, family, and connections that matter. I dream of a future where he is surrounded by genuine people, a family that loves him, and, perhaps one day, happy, well-adjusted grandchildren who will grow up knowing their grandmother.

My dreams are not radical. I used to dream bigger when I was younger, but now, I focus on what truly matters.

Faith & Acceptance

And so, I return to where I began: faith.

I may not have everything I once imagined for myself, but I have the essentials of life. I have love, I have purpose, and I have hope.

God is good.